SPECTRUM 2007-2008

Thomas awoke at 5:43 AM as he had the day before–and always had, as long as he could remember since he was a young boy. The time “5:43″? soothed Thomas. 5:45 or, heaven forbid, 5:30 was too rigid for Thomas’ liking. Yes, 5:43 was far better; the exact right time for him to start his day. He yawned, scratched his blond head, and patted Susan on her head, pressing the button that made her stop making that horrid noise”¦ Susan was the name of Thomas’ alarm clock, of course”¦although he hated to think of Susan as “his”? alarm clock; he preferred to think of it as a symbiotic relationship. It was very important, especially in his line of work, not to think of himself as superior to the people around him, even if they were alarm clocks. But Thomas didn’t have time to philosophize about alarm clocks and the likes; he had a therapy session to get to.

Carefully, Thomas folded back the covers, stepped out of Misty, his appropriately-named waterbed, and folded the covers back over again. Making the bed first thing in the morning saved him the hassle of doing it later, and it made Misty happy too, so that was fine with Thomas. He wished Misty and Susan good morning, and walked over to Danny, the dresser.

“Good morning, Danny,”? Thomas said sincerely. He and Danny had had a bit of a falling out a few weeks ago, but Thomas had apologized after a three-day standoff. It simply wasn’t a good example for him to set for the others. Thomas didn’t want to be thought of as a hypocrite. He opened Danny’s top drawer and retrieved a pair of green boxer shorts because it was Thursday”¦ It was Thursday, Thomas realized, immediately becoming very uncomfortable in his blue boxer shorts, which were strictly for Wednesdays. Pale, Thomas gave a quick smile around the room and said, “Please excuse me a moment.”? He zipped out the door, then back in, and out once more into the adjacent bathroom, then back out, and back in again. Thomas stopped abruptly, carefully laid out his green underwear on the countertop, said “hello”? to Mitch, who had the unfortunate job of being the toilet, and hurtled into Tammy, the tub. Cleansing water rushed over Thomas and his blue boxer shorts, rinsing away the germs and blue of Wednesday.

Thomas smiled, shampooed, rinsed, lathered, repeated, and then smiled again. “This is going to be a good day,”? he gurgled. Once the cleansing ritual was over, Thomas shut off the water, stepped out of the tub, and grabbed his shorts and a green towel off the otherwise immaculate counter. Thomas then proceeded to reenter Tammy, still in his dripping blue boxers, and closed the shower curtain. When the curtain opened, Thomas emerged as a new man in his fresh green boxer shorts. “Ah, Thursdays,”? he said with a euphoric grin. Thomas wished everyone in the bathroom, including Thomas-in-the-Mirror, a happy Thursday. Thomas and Thomas-in-the-Mirror didn’t always see eye to eye (figuratively of course, as they always did physically), but today Thomas-in-the-Mirror was looking sharp and supportive. Ah, Thursdays. Thomas picked up the green toothbrush.

Once he was done in the bathroom, Thomas went back to the bedroom to dress. He came out in a green sports coat and pants to match, with a perfectly-knotted green and yellow striped tie around a white button-up shirt. For the first time this Thursday, Thomas frowned and then stealthily ventured towards the kitchen. He didn’t like going into the kitchen because Chaz was always there. That’s the way he said “Chaz”? in his thoughts: Chaz, in italics, because what kind of a name was Chaz anyway? A stupid one, Thomas thought, a stupid name for a stupid toaster. Speaking of names, Chaz was always calling him “Ta.”? He didn’t even have the decency to call him Tom, or even Tommy. No, just “Ta.”? Yes, Chaz was worse than Danny and Thomas-in-the-Mirror for sure. But one day Thomas would show him, because who was he? A damn toaster that’s who, and no one likes a toaster.

“No, no, you shouldn’t be thinking such thoughts,”? Thomas told himself. “It’s all this negativity that makes Chaz lash out to begin with”¦ It’s truly a vicious circle, and besides,”? he added, “all the food is in there.”?

Thomas put on a big smile, stepped into the kitchen, then back out, and then back in. “Hello Robert (the refrigerator), Anita (the oven), Chaz, Michelle (the microwave), Mr. Coffee (the coffee maker), Tina (the blender), and W. C. Fields (the dishwasher).”?

“What did you say?”? asked Chaz suspiciously.

Thomas’ smile faltered. “I said good morning to everyone.”?

“No, no. When you came to my name you said “˜Chaz,’ not Chaz, you know, with italics. Now, what the hell is that supposed to mean, Ta?”?

Thomas winced at the sound, “Chaz, I really don”””?

“Is it because I’m a toaster? Huh, you think you’re better than me?”?

“I, uh…”? Thomas struggled for control.

“You do! Oh my God, you do, you hypocritical prick!”?

“Look, Chaz, I have a session I need to get to.”?

“Oh, yes, yes, very important stuff. Don’t let me get in your way,”? mocked Chaz. The dishwasher sniggered.

Thomas tried to let it go. “I’m just going to grab some breakfast, and then I’ll get out of your hair. I don’t want to argue with you.”?

“Sure you don’t. Sure you don’t”¦ I’m the aggressor here, and you’re the innocent bystander. Here, let me fix you some toast, Ta, “˜cuz that’s all I seem to be able to do, right?”?

“I don’t want toast,”? Thomas said, exasperated.

“Oh, I see, you’re too good for my toast, is that it? Well f*** you! I hope you choke on your bread, you”””?

“Leave him alone,”? Robert said.

“Oh, you’re on his side? Well f”””?

“Thank you, Robert,”? interrupted Thomas. Robert shrugged imperceptibly, as only a refrigerator can. “I’m really not hungry anymore. Maybe I’ll pick up a muffin on my way.”?

“Ta-ta, Ta!”? Chaz snickered. Thomas could hear the foul-mouthed little bastard laughing hysterically as he locked the front door on his way out. His Thursday had started off with such promise.

Thomas hit Eddie’s button and brooded. “Who does that shiny little jerk think he is? He’s living in my apartment, eating my bread”¦ getting crumbs all over the counter. He doesn’t pay his own way; he does nothing but argue with me. I demand a little respect in my own home. I’m going to have to do something about this. I must say, it’s gone on quite long enough.”?

Eddie said, “Ding,”? and his doors opened.

Thomas stepped inside and said, “Good morning, Eddie.”?

The man in the elevator looked puzzled. “Good morning”¦ Uh, it’s David actually. Every time we ride the elevator together you call me Eddie. I didn’t catch your”””?

“Do you know what Chaz did this time?”?

The man who was now David looked even more puzzled but then put on a mischievous grin and said, “Trouble with the Mrs., huh?”?

“He doesn’t respect me. All he ever does is make fun of me and toast. I just don’t know what to do with him.”?

“Hey, if you ever want to talk about it,”? said David slyly, “I could lend a”¦ sympathetic ear. My apartment’s 4C; drop by anytime.”? He winked at Thomas.

Eddie said, “Ding,”? and his doors opened.

“Thank you,”? said Thomas. “You always know just what to say, Eddie.”? Thomas stepped out of Eddie, and the doors closed on a very confused David.

Thomas shivered upon entering the parking ramp on the bottom floor of his apartment complex. Fall was in the air, and his green sports coat, while immensely Thursday, was a bit thin for a fall Thursday. His shoes echoed off the concrete in a disconcerting way. Thomas had noticed that he could always tell how well his day was going simply by how he felt about that sound. On a good day, the clop-clop-clop was rhythmic and soothing. Today it troubled him; it was an ominous sound. He checked to make sure Chaz was not behind him. He was not. Thomas laughed at how foolish he was being. Of course Chaz wasn’t following him; he was a toaster! “¦He would need an awfully long extension cord for that.

Rounding the corner, Thomas saw her. She was the love of his life and best friend. Seeing her for the hundredth time had the same effect on Thomas as seeing her for the first time, nine years ago. She was truly a beauty, German and statuesque. Born in “˜87, she was only twenty to Thomas’ thirty-three. Oh, but she wasn’t naïve, she had been places: 173 thousand miles and counting. She was a metallic blue, two-door, BMW 3-series, automatic vixen on four wheels, and Thomas was head over heels for her.

Thomas unlocked her, stepped inside, closed the door, opened it again, closed it again, and said, “Good morning, Rebecca. How was your night?”?

“It’s getting cold again, but other than that, just fine.”?

“I know; I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to figure out a way for you to get up to the apartment, but Eddie just isn’t big enough.”?

“That’s okay. Shall we go?”?

Thomas grinned, “Yes, Rebecca, I’d like that.”? Thomas started her engine and pulled out of the ramp. It was a beautiful autumn day, and, although there were no trees in the city, the trendy people had on their browns, oranges, and other colors reminiscent of deceased foliage. Thomas watched them through the partially-opened window. It was the crisp sterility in the air that Thomas usually enjoyed most about this time of year, and yet he couldn’t shake his sour mood, even in the company of Rebecca. The traffic on the expressway was nearly at a standstill. He sighed once or twice.

“Is something wrong?”? inquired Rebecca after the fifth labored sigh.

“You can always tell; you’re so intuitive,”? said Thomas. Rebecca rolled her headlights. “Yes, my dear, I’m afraid it’s Chaz again.”?

“What did he do this time, Tommy?”? Thomas smiled a little. He loved when she called him Tommy.

“He does nothing but argue with me. You can’t have a civilized conversation with him. I just want a little respect in my own home.”?

“Well, what would you tell someone to do if they were in your position?”?

“I’ve tried everything: appeasing him, ignoring him, confronting him, everything but dropping the little bastard in the tub with himself.”?

“Thomas! How dare you even think of such a thing?”?

Thomas sighed for the sixth time and said, “I’m sorry Rebecca. You know I didn’t mean it. He just gets under my skin and has for so long. I”””? Thomas noticed a tough looking man in a pickup truck stopped at the light next to him looking at him disapprovingly. Thomas put on a smile, waved, and went back to his conversation. “I just don’t know what to do about him.”? The man frowned and looked back at the light.

“Kick him out; give him an ultimatum. It’s your apartment, Tommy; make sure he knows that.”?

“You know how I dislike conflict, but I guess you’re right.”? Thomas pulled away from the light, into another parking ramp, and into a space.

“I know I am. But hurry up now, it’s almost eight o’clock, and you’re going to be late.”?

Thomas paused at the door. “Thanks, Rebecca,”? he said sincerely. “You really know how to make me feel better.”? He opened the door, got out, closed the door, opened it, closed it again, locked it, and headed for his building. It was a sleek, twelve-story, glass building overlooking Lake Michigan. The sign above the door said “Hillsbury Medical Building”? in large gold letters.

The first doubt about what Rebecca had told him took hold as he entered the revolving doors. Would it be enough? Wouldn’t he just be chastised and humiliated yet again by his silver foe? Thomas looked around. The lobby was a dark green marble (perfect for Thursdays) on the floors and half way up the walls, with sterile white walls and ceiling the rest of the way up. He pushed the button for the elevator. He was sure that he had a name, but Thomas didn’t like to fraternize with people outside his home much, so he simply smiled and nodded as he entered. Thomas noticed several other people in the unnamed elevator do the same.

The doors closed. Thomas thought he heard Chaz’s laugh. He froze and scanned the area suspiciously. Was he here? Was this shifty looking elevator in cahoots with Chaz perhaps? Thomas made a mental note to use the other elevator from now on. The doors opened onto his floor, and Thomas scurried out into the waiting room. Margaret, Dr. Rosenberg’s assistant, gave him a warm smile when he approached.

“Dr. Rosenberg will see you now, Mr. Anderson,”? said Margaret to Mr. Anderson.

Thomas and a short man in a grey sweater and khakis entered the spotlessly-clean office. Thomas breathed deeply; the room smelled of leather. A plush leather chair, an equally plush leather chaise lounge, many leather bound books, and a green leather-topped desk gave the office a truly enchanting dead cow motif. The doctor and patient took their appropriate seats.

“Well, Mr. Anderson,”? said Rosenberg, “I see this is the first time you’ve seen a counselor. What are you having trouble with?”?

“Well, Dr. Rosenberg”””?

“Please, call me Thomas,”? said Thomas.

“John,”? said John. Thomas smiled and nodded. “Well, Dr. “”Thomas, I’ve begun to suspect that my wife is cheating on me, and I”¦”? Thomas smiled, he wasn’t paying much attention; he had found over the years that he really didn’t have to. He simply smiled, scribbled in his notebook, and let the crazy person”” “patient”? (Thomas felt it important that these people, however disconnected with reality, keep their dignity)– talk his or her problems out. They were comforted by simply talking about their issues, and only a handful had ever gotten worse and tried to hurt themselves or others. None had ever tried to hurt Thomas, so he was content to worry about his own problems: namely Chaz, in italics. What was he going to do about”” “So, what do you think, doctor?”?

Thomas looked up from his notebook, changed position in his chair, rubbed his nonexistent beard, and said in a very comforting voice, “Well, John, right now I’m most interested in what you think.”?

Mr. Anderson’s dark eyes darted around the room uncomfortably. “Well, that’s what I just told you.”?

“John, we’ve just scratched the surface of the problem. Let’s go deeper here. How does this make you feel?”?

“My wife is cheating on me! I feel horrible!”?

Thomas nodded and scribbled in his notebook. “Uh-huh, I see. That’s good; let out that anger. Tell me more, John.”?

“Um, well okay. I think it all started”¦”? Telling Chaz off just wasn’t going to cut it, Thomas thought. He was going to have to get rid of him for good. Put the little shiny bastard out of his misery. He was a physician; he could call it “physician-assisted”¦”? well, “murder.”? But was he not fully justified? It was Thomas’ apartment after all; he paid the bills. The others could never know, of course, but he knew this was the only way. Thomas began to feel the weight of his day lifting; he smiled. “”¦ I found”” um, why are you smiling? You find something funny?”?

Thomas stopped smiling, thought for a second, started smiling again, and said, “I’m smiling because I really think that we’re making great progress here.”?

“Um, right.”? John’s suspicion subsided, and he laughed. “No, you”˜re right; I am beginning to feel a little better. It’s good to let this all out. I feel that”””

“I’d love to continue, John, but it seems our hour is up.”?

“Well, I wouldn’t really call fifty minutes an”””

“I really feel we’ve made some great progress here today, John. See you next week?”?

John began to get angry, thought about it, and then begrudgingly said, “Yeah.”?

“Great. Talk to Margaret outside; we’ll see you next week then,”? Thomas beamed. John pondered for a second and then left the office to go make another appointment with Margaret.

Thomas reclined in his chair and smiled. Three more crazy people, lunch, a couple hours free time to take five minutes jotting down something to tell his patients for next week, in which he would likely clean his office and drink coffee, then a nice chat with Rebecca on the way home, and he’d top it all of with an execution”¦ his Thursday was turning around. Thomas laughed manically, “Your days are numbered, you little shiny”””?

“Your nine o’clock is here, Doctor,”? said Margaret over the intercom. “Mrs. Walberg: Janet the nymphomaniac, not Marsha the schizophrenic.”?

Thomas composed himself, straightened his jacket, pushed the button, and said, “Thank you Margaret, send her in.”?

A woman in fishnets and tears rushed into the office. “Oh, doctor, I did it again!”? She hugged him tightly.

Thomas peered out from Mrs. Walberg’s rather encompassing bosom and said, “Why don’t you sit down, Janet, and tell me about it.”?

Janet loosened her grip on the doctor after a few minutes, wiped away her tears, and straddled the chaise lounge suggestively. “I don’t know why I did it! I was doing so well too”¦ Looking back on it, he wasn’t even all that attractive. I just”¦”? Thomas briefly pitied Mrs. Walberg (and come to think of it, Mr. Walberg) and the rest of his poor delusional patients and then went back to his thoughts. He could see it now: the blue crackle of electricity in the water, Chaz’s screams of agony, and then”¦ beautiful silence. “Ta-ta,”? he thought, and smiled.