SPECTRUM 2007-2008

My father’s extensive knowledge of the French language was not something I wanted to spend my Sunday evening listening to, but it seemed as if there was no help for it. What had sparked this outburst of vulgarity was being propped up by my arms as I stood on a rickety chair and he on an equally-wobbly ladder. We’d been standing like this, pressed up against the ceiling for almost twenty minutes, warring with our papery ceiling treatments and the shoddy wiring systems in an attempt to obey my mother and get the light up. Eventually, it was installed, to both my amazement and my father’s, and my mother was appeased. Somewhere, however, there exists a line that should never be crossed. This line now hangs within my dining room, providing light at every meal. That chandelier should have never gone into my dining room.

Every time I flip the switch to turn on that piece of cheap metal and faux crystal, I wonder if I’ve just killed everyone at the dinner table. Now, call me paranoid, but it’s hanging from the ceiling by a single screw into the fiber tile that has been sitting in my house for over a century. Not only that, but there are exposed wires deep inside the ceiling because the turn-of-the-century electrician who put the original light in had no idea that it might help to have a little extra wire for the next time something was installed, regardless of the high cost of wire at the time. Even better, I suspect that the ancient light bulbs in it are lead based, if the crystals and paint on the cheap metal frame aren’t. So if it falls anytime while we’re eating, we could very well catch on fire, die by impalement from the crystals and be recipients of lead poisoning, all in one sitting. I know that my mother really thinks it’s much more beautiful than the last light fixture we had up, but that won’t really matter if it kills us. That darned thing is dangerous.

Now, if this chandelier had been much better for the room as far as lighting goes, I might be a little less repulsed by it, but the fact is that it isn’t. The older lamp that was better in that it provided a more enveloping, but still softer, light. This new chandelier isn’t even in the center of the room! The old one wasn’t centered either, but at least it was out of the way and not where it could hang in someone’s face. This brings up another problem. The light is hanging too low! It would be entirely possible for someone to knock the lamp with his/her head and bring the whole thing down, causing the catastrophe earlier mentioned. Unfortunately, getting the darn thing out when my mother finally sees the light (pun very much intended) is going to be impossible without ruining the hardware that is just barely holding it in. It would have been so much better to just have kept the old one.

When I think of what I value more, having non-flame-blackened skin or having a light that isn’t especially appealing to me hanging in my dining room, I am clearly struck with the stupidity of the entire situation involving the chandelier. This light fixture does not make up for its functional disabilities with being “pretty.”? We’re endangering our family every second that chandelier hangs, which is not acceptable to me. My views on my great-grandmother’s chandelier are not universally accepted by the other women of my household. Both of them think that this new one has more sentimental value and is much prettier. To them, I have one thing to say: Great-Grandma’s chandelier will have even more sentimental value once it kills us all! The flimsy metal doesn’t match the rest of the room, and I personally would rather have a safer, more functional lamp up than one that is likely to kill me. All together, my old lamp was a much better fit than my great-grandmother’s ancient hanging death trap.

So, has the line been crossed? As both my father and I backed away from the newly- installed light, we both made a bet on how long it would hang. As it turned out, neither of us was right, and the light fixture is still lighting our meals, but there is still the danger of it suddenly collapsing for no apparent reason. Fortunately, within the next year, my family will be moving to a newer home with better wiring, so most of the danger will be removed, though I’ll still have to deal with the molded scrap metal and the cheap crystal light hanging in my new family dining room.