SPECTRUM 2007-2008

“Agghh!”? BA- BOOM! The floor of the weight room shook, and I instinctively ducked, expecting a charging bull or a grizzly bear to crash into me. My immediate reaction soon gave way to more rational thought; I knew that there were no wild animals in the gym. There was, however, probably a Creatine-drinking power lifter. I glanced over my shoulder and, sure enough, there was the big 350-pound colossus I had expected to see standing up from the bench. Two mammoth dumbbells sat in craters on the floor where he had just dropped them. Starring at those dumbbells on the floor, I found it hard to believe that a human being had just lifted them. I have been a regular at the gym for years, and over those years I have become well acquainted with other regulars like this guy. Whatever gym one goes to, the guys there will always create a familiar atmosphere because they fall into three basic categories: the New Year’s Resolutioner, the Abercrombie Man, and the Creatine Man.

The New Year’s Resolutioner is a faithful and dedicated gym member with unshakeable resolve–for only one week a year. I only see these guys in January when the gym suddenly swells with them, and they haven’t a clue what to do. For instance, last year around mid-January I saw a new guy in the gym who couldn’t have made it any more obvious that he was a New Year’s Resolutioner. I watched him walk around for a bit, poking and frowning at every piece of equipment in the gym. I could just imagine him thinking, “What is this contraption?”? as he passed by every stair climber, ab-cruncher and reclining bench-press, shaking his head in bewilderment. About twenty minutes later, he snuck out the back door, and I never saw him again. New Year’s Resolutioners also like to injure themselves. One time (in January), I saw a new guy at the gym get on a treadmill. He stood there staring at the controls for a couple of minutes, cautiously pushing buttons every so often. After he actually got up and running, he ran for about 5 minutes before tripping on his shoe laces and flying off the back of the machine! I never saw him again either. The New Year’s Resolutioner provides some much needed comic relief at the gym, but he is rarely seen in comparison to another, more common, gym guy.

The Abercrombie Man does not really care about his actual health, as long as the light glints just right off his tanned, muscular biceps. These guys are actually dedicated gym members, but are there for one reason only: to try to pick up chicks. For example, there was one guy I used to see at the gym all the time who was the epitome of the Abercrombie Man. He stood a couple inches from the mirror and would do curls slowly, smiling at the reflection of his toned, rippling biceps flexing. He grinned seductively and winked at himself in the mirror. I sometimes wondered whether he was imagining flirting with girls, or if he just wanted some alone time with himself! Not all Abercrombie Men are purely narcissistic, for some are more straight forward in their intentions to pick up girls.  For example, one gym regular would hang out in the free weight area for hours just talking, laughing, and scoping out the room for girls. He wore a pair of not-so-modest diamond earrings and a gold chain, and like a model assuming a pose for a photo shoot, he would put a leg up on the bench onto which he could rest his forearm whenever talking to someone. He was careful not to exercise until there were pretty girls around, and then he would bench press theatrically-heavy loads and grunt loudly so they’d be sure to look. The Abercrombie Man can be a little obnoxious, but at least I don’t fear him like I fear the last gym guy.

The Creatine Man is in the gym to get bigger and stronger at any cost and will eat onlookers if they get in the way. Creatine is a protein-based supplement used to build big, angry muscles fast, and if one sees a guy using Creatine, one knows he means business. A guy named Dave, who was a regular at the gym I went to, was the first place winner of this title. When Dave wasn’t crunching massive barbells and throwing Olympic class weights over his head like Atlas, he was slamming protein shakes or mixing up Creatine powder in his water bottle and drinking it like it was fruit punch. Creatine Men are the embodiment of testosterone gone wild. For example, I used to see one guy who would walk around the gym with an entourage of followers and looked like he weighed more than any three of them combined. He’d lay down on a bench press, and the barbell would creak and sag under the strain of the massive weight plates it supported when he lifted it off the stack. It took two or three of his posse to spot him as he lifted the impossible load again and again, finally dropping it back into place with a force that shook the room. In the gym world, the Creatine Man is king, and everyone else better stay out of his way!

What would the gym be without its New Year’s Resolutioners, Abercrombie Men and Creatine Men? The New Year’s Resolutioners provide some humor, the Abercrombie Men make the gym a little obnoxious, and the Creatine Men are just downright scary, but all have had a rather endearing effect on me. No matter what gym I go to, I’ll always see these familiar characters and feel like I never left home.