SPECTRUM 2007-2008

Most of my life, I have lived in a world that almost no other human can or wants to penetrate. I have had epilepsy for the better half of my life, and I have been on many different medications for this affliction. While these medications help to control my seizures, they have had a large impact on my life. Despite the good that they do, the medications also have their downfalls. The lack of concentration they cause has affected my schooling. The threat of injury affects my ability to obtain/retain a job. In addition, my behavior while on the medications has caused problems in relationships. There are many doctors and patients who still do not understand the effects of the medications. Therefore, the more we tell, the more they learn.

My study problems stared when I was thirteen. This is when I had my first grand mal seizure, and my parents realized that my epilepsy was not contained. After this episode, I was put on my first medication. My grades began to fall like bricks in water. Within a month or two, my “B”? average dropped to a “D”? average. At that point, I was on penicillin and depekine. These two medications combined put me into a tingly daze. I did not realize it at the time, but my attention was slipping away from me. I just thought that it was me or possibly the cute girl next to me who made my mind slip.

As my epilepsy matured and got worse, my doctor put me on more medications. Almost all of these medications are known for causing dizziness, but not loss of attention. My doctor and parents assumed that I was just lazy or did not care about my schooling. After my first year in junior high, my parents took me to the Mayo Clinic to see if I had Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). That assumption was dismissed after I had an EEG and a MRI. My doctors and parents were mind boggled because they had no idea why I was having difficulty remembering anything. For the next few years, I was put on multiple medications including Dilantin, Neurontin, and everything in between. With all these medications in my system, my attention started to dissipate. When the teachers realized that I was not writing notes down, they would snap their fingers in front of my face to wake me up. When I asked questions repeatedly, the teachers would just tell me to go in the hallway because they said I was disturbing the progress of the class. As this went on, I gradually became disconnected from school, and I had to take special education classes.

When I graduated from high school, like every other teen, I was excited to make some money. I applied for job after job until I got a job at McDonald’s. Working with the heat of the grill was daunting enough for the others. I thought that I would try it, though, to prove my strength. After awhile, I found the 150-degree heat from the grill caused me to sweat profusely, and my medication was running through my system faster than usual. With this lack of medication, I was in a vulnerable position. Then I started to space out every once and a while from the heat and medication mix. These two things mixed together like a horrible daiquiri. I was dizzy and disoriented in my own little world. After two weeks of this, I passed out from the heat and went into a grand mal seizure. When I woke up, the whole staff was standing over me. There was a line of customers all the way to the door because of me. All the manager had to say was, “Maybe this job is not for you.”? I begged him to let me keep the job until he gave in. The next day, he was watching over me like an eagle probing for fish. Unfortunately, I had another seizure, and the manager told me to come into his office and talk. I told him repeatedly that he did not have to worry. I knew when they were going to happen, so I could move away from the grill. No matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t change his mind. He asked me, “What do we do about the customers who see the seizure and the employees who can’t get by you?”? I just said, “I’ll go in the bathroom next time.”? He still fired me very politely and said, “Good luck.”? I have also been fired from construction, nursing, and oar boat jobs. Later on, I went to the doctor, and he told me that the medication and high temperatures do not mix. Most of these jobs had high heat involved with them.

My medications have affected relationships, too. These are actually the most embarrassing of them all. Neurontin had a horrifying effect on me. Not only did the doctors overdose me, but it also had a psychotic effect on me. I got to the point to where I wanted to kill everyone who messed with my sister and me. Therefore, no female wanted to come near me except the ones who had pity on me, were abused, or admired me for protecting my sister. When I did finally find someone whom I thought was willing to be with me, my psychotic behavior kicked in trying to protect her. That usually scared most of them away very fast. One stood by me for three years. Her name was Madelyn (Matty). I ended it because her family was even more dysfunctional than I was. That was a big mistake on my part. The past three major relationships that I have had have all ended the same way. Once they see a seizure, they freak out but then get over it. Once women see two or three more seizures, they start to say to themselves, “Is this going to last forever? And if so, is it going to get worse?”? There is only one thing I can say, “I don’t know; just take it as it comes.”? That is when they realize they cannot take seeing me shaking on the floor anymore. Then, as fast as a lightning strike, they are gone. To this day, whenever I look in their eyes, I still see fear.

I understand that the medications are here to help me, and so are the doctors. When I look back at the effect they have had on my life, though, there is only one thing that enters my head: “How can I fix this?”? Now I want to be the one of very few doctors that has epilepsy. I want to be able to help these patients because I have also gone through these effects, and I also want to discover a possible cure to epilepsy. Until that day comes, I am going to live one day at a time and take it as it comes to me.