Essay 4 “A Mother’s Wisdom”

Essay 4College CompositionSeven Dalager 

“A Mother’s Wisdom” 

Most human beings spend their childhoods bonding with their parents, their teen age years rebelling against them, and their adulthood trying to repair the damage.  It ironically resembles the riddle, “What speaks with one voice yet walks on four feet in the morning, two feet at noon and three feet in the evening?”  I, however, have always managed to maintain an open relationship with my mother.  We have always had free-flowing communication, and she has always been there when I needed her.  I am exceedingly thankful for the love, understanding, and dedication she has given to our family. In addition to all she has given, I am most thankful for the wisdom she has imparted to me over all these years.  

My mother is 69 years of age, and I adore her with all my heart.   I definitely consider her to be one of the wisest, most compassionate, empathic, and beautiful people I know. We discussed the evolution of women’s roles between the 1950’s and present day. We contemplated the differences in women’s marital responsibility, gender roles, relationships, and the ever-changing “traditional” male view of the female. I hope to impart to you some of the wisdom she’s shared with me over the years.  She also imparted to me what it was like to raise such a large family, and how it impacted her life.     

In the 1950s women were afraid to have a career of their own and “neglect” their husband’s ambitions.  A marriage was all about a man’s career, and the man was always considered the breadwinner.  That was a man’s role, and a woman’s role was to take care of the household and bear children. My mother raised sixteen children and neglected many of her own needs to keep everyone together.  It’s amazing that she never resented us for “holding her back.”  She says that she just did what she had too for all of us, and kept her faith in God.  She loves us all very much and that kept her going.    

When I asked her about the role of woman and marriage she stated that many women don’t get married until they’re much older now.  The average age of marriage was 18 or nineteen in the 50’s.  Now women get married in their middle to late twenties after they have achieved their educational and career goals.  After they get married they usually have only one or two children.  In the 50’s married couples normally had five or more children.  When I asked her about a woman’s career she said that these days if a woman has a very lucrative career her husband will stay home and care for their children.  That was an unheard of phenomenon in her era.  Today, if both parents have a career and children they put them into daycare, which was unheard of in the 50s. Daycares didn’t really exist in the same context as they do today. In the 50’s children were either left with a baby sitter in their own home, or with an in-house nanny. Women were also hardly ever the “bread-winners” in that era.  That task was always deemed the obligation of a husband and father.   

When we talked about a woman’s personal goals and dreams beyond marriage I learned that they were definitely secondary to finding a husband and raising a family.  She stated that now it’s inappropriate for women to marry young, and they are given time to achieve their educational goals.  Women in her era usually got married before they graduated from high school, which is now considered scandalous. Women who got married while in high school often didn’t graduate because of their obligatory newfound familial responsibilities.  Women were also definitely not encouraged to go to college.  A woman attending college was almost unheard of. The “barefoot and pregnant” mentality was common and sanctioned by society.   

When we talked about the availability of work for women in the 1950’s she said that there weren’t a wide array of choices available. These choices were food service, limited retail, and secretarial work.  As far as the armed forces are concerned the WACS and WAVES were the only options for women who wanted to join the military.  WACS were women in the army and WAVES were women in the Navy.  Professional options in the armed forces were limited to secretarial work and nursing. Women did not perform any other jobs in the military except for those that fell under their “set roles.” Women in combat, operating large machinery, and performing any other type of job in the armed forces was unheard of.  Now because of equal rights amendments women cannot be segregated against in any type of employment setting.   

She told me about an average woman’s role in their own family and her obligations regarding their children.  She said that it was taken for granted that a woman would bear children for her husband and raise them in their home.  Husbands decided how many children a couple would have, and determined the time frame between them.  It was a woman’s duty to follow her husband’s orders and guidelines concerning the raising and rearing of their children. 

We discussed every aspect of marital relationships, so I thought it was appropriate that we discuss divorce.  She stated that divorce was not frequent during the 50s.  It was socially unacceptable during that time.  A woman was usually blamed for divorce if it occurred no matter whose fault it really was. It was also socially acceptable for a man to marry again, but not for a woman.  Divorce was not condoned by any religions, and annulments were few and far between.   A woman was also usually ostracized if she was divorced.  She was branded with a bad reputation, and everyone in the community knew about a divorce as soon as it happened. It is much more commonplace today due to more liberal attitudes.  Women aren’t expected to put up with husbands that are abusive or neglectful.  She was always told to stick it out through thick and thin no matter what even if the relationship was harmful. 

During the 50s attitudes about domestic abuse and desertion were much different.  If domestic violence occurred it was thought that a woman “deserved it,” or that everyone should stay out of married couple’s arguments and “private” affairs.  Women were also afraid to talk about their relationships if they were destructive.  They were afraid that if word got out it would ruin the reputation of her family and tarnish her husband’s good name. I believe that psychological abuse was more common in the 1950s than physical abuse.  Men viewed women more as objects and believed they had free reign in controlling every aspect of their lives.  They were free to tell them what to do, how to act, and how to behave.  A man was supposed to be dominant in a relationship, and a woman was expected to be submissive. 

Women were taken for granted, and men were praised and given high esteem because they worked.  Women’s “work” was taken for granted.  Being a housekeeper, caretaker, and mother wasn’t considered “work.”  It was thought that it was something any woman could do, and it was expected.  Men were often told how hard they worked, while women were given no credit or appreciation for their labor.  Taking care of a family, a husband, and a home was considered her duty and obligation.  If women were divorced and unable to conduct their supposed obligations to their husbands they were shunned by their families and by society.   

If a woman was divorced with children, or had a child out of wed-lock she was seen as a “Scarlett woman” or harlot.  If a woman was divorced, a single mother, or had children from a previous marriage she was not looked at as being available and able to remarry.  She was viewed as “damaged goods” tarnished by her previous “ills” and unable to reestablish her reputation.  She had to move or relocate to gain any social status, and regain her good name and reputation.  

 My mother was valedictorian of her high school class.  She received scholarships to attend many different higher learning institutions.  She would have been the first woman in her family to attend college.  She even had a full scholarship to attend UW Madison.  She did not go because her family pressured her to marry, have children, and work.  She married my father a year after she graduated high school.  She worked at a men’s clothing store as a secretary for about nine months after graduating high school.  My parents got married in February of 1954 when my mother was 18, and their first child was born a year from that date.  Since then they’ve had fifteen more children of which I am the youngest. 

My mother has actually been pregnant 23 times.  She had seven miscarriages and was brave enough to continue attempting to have children.  My sister Barb actually had a twin, but she died at birth.  They even tried to have another child when my mother was forty-six and my father was fifty-five, but the pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage.  I believe my mother is very brave for deciding to give birth to so many children even though she had numerous miscarriages.  She has no regrets about having 16 children (except for me she said jokingly).  She has no gray hairs, but claims her hair is eternally “petrified” light brown.  She accepts her past and the way things were back then, but she has grown a great deal in the process.  She refuses to become bitter regardless of what has happened to her throughout all of these years.  I think my mother should be cannonized a saint for her attitude regarding all of this.  This had become especially apparent to me within the past few years. She and my father are constantly growing together, but part of my father still clings to “old school” mentality.  I’m very proud of my mother for recognizing the independence and treatment she truly deserves.  She has gone to Europe twice in the past two years, and is doing a great many things that openly convey her newfound liberty (sometimes to the mortification of my father). 

 She’s spent many years dutifully obeying my father and maintaining a household. She was also pregnant in total, for about thirteen and a half years.  She says she remembers each of those months in detail because being pregnant is “not easy.”  She remembers each kicking babies’ feet, days of morning sickness, bizarre cravings, and each ultrasound.  She’s also diabetic and consequently almost all of us were born weighing over ten pounds. In fact, most of my brothers were over twelve pounds when they were born.  As you can imagine that would make for a very uncomfortable labor.  She said she’s still sane and has “music in her bones.”  She and I have a very close relationship. I think that’s mostly because I am the youngest and I was privy to a great deal of one-on-one time with her. I am the youngest after all, and she says I’ll “always be her baby.”   

Final Thoughts

Classification:

I’ve traveled around the United States, lived in seven different states, and I still haven’t found a place that’s called out to me and made me feel completely at home. 

Cause and Effect:

I took a trip to Washington D.C. when I was fourteen years old to attend a Pro-Life rally with my mother.  Since that day I’ve never been afraid to stand up for what I believe in. 

Persuasion:

In all of my travels around the United States I’ve discovered that “MN nice” may not necessarily be something to be proud of. 

For TJ

“I think the mayor’s notation is humane, but I fear it is something else as well. Raw humanity offends our sensibilities. We want to protect ourselves from an awareness of rags with voices that make no sense and scream forth in inarticulate rage. We do not wish to be reminded of the tentative state of our own well-being and sanity. And so, the trouble-some presence is removed from the awareness of the electorate.”

I chose this quote because I believe that “raw humanity” does in fact, affront many people.  I think that many people give to the homeless out of guilt and obligation and not out of empathy.  I, personally almost went broke in Orlando because of the homeless.  When I lived there I was a cocktail waitress and when I walked with my friends to the local hangout every night we were always asked for “donations.” Let’s just say I ended up giving up 75% of my tips at the end of the night before returning home.  It was worth it though although since then when I give people money on the street, I make people take an oath and promise that they’ll spend it on food and not on drugs or other illegal activities.  I think that I’ve been asked for money in Duluth more times in the past year than I ever have, which is sad.

Even though I make people swear they’ll spend the money on positive things I’m sure it doesn’t always happen that way. I guess it makes me feel better either way, and when I give someone something I always send a little, “God please give them peace” up to the heavens. I also definitely don’t look like a toy dog carrying millionaire, so I hope that it at least makes them think a little bit. When I smoked I was happy to give away a cigarette.  When I lived in Richmond and was walking with my boyfriend at the time in an affluent part of the community someone in rags asked me for a cigarette.  He told me that I should, “just ignore them.”  I said, “You know what?  It’s one cigarette.  It might bring him five minutes of reprieve out of an entire 24 hours of hell.  What exactly makes you so far above them?”  Needless to say, he said nothing about my contributions in the future and in the end our relationship didn’t last.  (This was mainly due to his egocentric attitude.)

The author makes a good point about charity and compassion.  Most people give because they feel guilty, but compassion is indeed a learned behavior.  Most people are born with common sense, but a great many people are born without compassion or empathy.  I have definitely been through a lot of hard times, and I think that helps fuel my empathy and drive my compassion.  Some people who grow rich and fat forget about those less fortunate, or they throw a dollar into a guitar case once a week for a street musician and think they’ve done their good deed for the year.  I’m definitely not perfect, not self-righteous, and definitely cannot claim innocence, but I have stock in empathy and compassion.

“Modern Warfare and the Simple Citizen”

“The sentiment is correct, but the outrage is misplaced.  There is no cannon-fodder underclass in the military.  In fact, frontline combat troops are a near-perfect reflection of American male society.” This quote caught my attention because I myself have been under this false perception.  I believed that people low on the socioeconomic ladder were tossed into the military as “cannon fodder” because they have no other options.  I just viewed them as being desperate to leave bad situations and invest time into something that could potentially provide them with some stability.   

 I have never believed, however that a draft is a good idea unless the human race itself is facing Armageddon, and I completely agree with the author’s reasoning as to why a draft is not logical.   The fact that soldiers come from all walks of life, positions, stations, and economic backgrounds is indeed true, and the reasons he lists for defense of a draft are sound.  People that support drafts not only believe that most people on the front lines of the military are poor with no other options, but they also believe that those who are drafted can merely adapt to the idea of war and function successfully in hellish circumstances.  It’s true that the military has now imposed intense rules set high standards for those that they accept, but I think that it makes entire logical sense.  We would end up a “weaker” military force, and combat today obviously isn’t fought with bayonets and catapults.  It’s fought with war machines, technology, and gadgets that blow my mind.  If you’re curious check out the show “Future Weapons” on the Discovery Channel. 

“Final Countdown For Grey Matter”

As I was sitting at my computer the other day diligently doing my homework it happened:  a brain worm entered the haunted hallow hallways of my brain.  Yes oh yes it’s true.  We’ve all had it happen right?  Brain worms, those annoying little tracks and choruses from the worst songs in history.  Anything from “Mm Bop” by Hansen to “De Doo Doo Doo” by the Police, and the colloquial favorite “Hit Me Baby One More Time by Brittany Spears.  As is enough didn’t complicate my life and my brain waves weren’t constantly bombarded by microwaves, EMF waves, and perhaps even nuclear pulses from a distant quasar.  Oh what is becoming of my brain waves?  What has this entropic society done to our fragile gray matter?  I’ve been reading about all of these distant and “friendly” transmissions.  Perhaps I’m just trying to find the reason why I love to sleep in every day.  I believe, however, that I’m not the only one on this bandwagon.  There are diets, devices, warnings, etc. to keep your brain waves uninterrupted.  For example, there’s a detox diet by Anne Gittlemen health Guru that claims to  “clear out toxic gunk and to improve your health and vitality.”  She speaks of the evils of the ominous “waves” aforementioned in this tirade. 

 Her philosophy concerning harmful said radiation is similar to my old piano teacher’s view of the forever ominous “night air.”  She could never open her windows at night for fear that the “night air” would enter her house with it’s evil talons and snatch up her breath (or so it seemed).  Like the proverbial cat stealing a baby’s breath I would wager.  In any case I’m trying this diet involving mass consumption of cranberry juice (unsweetened) and Omega-3 fish oil.  I’ll report back in a month and see if it’s made me sane and allowed me to bypass the snooze button and greet the day with a hefty, Cheshire cat-like smile.  Hopefully it will also help remove the chorus of “Final Countdown” from my head before I go completely mad.  Maybe I’ll just invest in earplugs, toss my microwave, and develop a very distinct, unimpenetrable mantra.  Nah.  I think I’ll just slowly turn myself into a cyborg because I can’t live without Orville Redenbacher. 

‘Constitutional’ Rights

 “Suffering a bout of insomnia, however, I was stalking sleep not defenseless wayfarers.”  I chose this quote because it fully encapsulates the thesis of the essay.  Staples clearly illiterates what the essay is about in this sentence.  It is about people from different classes and races embarking upon an innocent task like taking an evening walk and their actions being completely misconstrued because of who they are.   He discovers that people are avoiding him on their late night “constitutions” because he is a young black male.  His first “victim” is a young white female who appears to be extremely disturbed by his presences, and she even runs “away” from him while they are walking.  She was uncomfortable with the amount of space between the two of them and fled from him.  She thought that because of the part of town they were in and he was African American he must be looking for trouble. 

My boyfriend who is a 25-year-old white male actually had a strange experience when he was taking an evening “constitutional” himself.  He was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and wind pants and he was taking a walk in the small town in which he lives in at 2AM.  He was accosted by the cops two blocks away from his house because they thought he was up to something.  He had to justify his actions because of the time of night he was walking and what he was wearing.  He too suffers from insomnia, and takes walks during the wee hours of the morning.  I believe that if he were wearing a tracksuit or if he was a middle-aged jogger wearing headphones and leading a Golden Retriever this wouldn’t have happened.  I think that people make presumptions and stereotypes in the evening based on a lot more than race.  Age, dress, sex, mannerism, and societal class can all work for or against you. 

I actually saw two young boys skateboarding in a parking lot in Emo clothes, and they appeared to be annoying everyone in their path.  They stopped right in the middle of an Ollie to open the door to a grocery store for a lady in a wheel chair.  Most people wouldn’t think such “troublemakers” would be capable of such chivalric actions.  It was a really great thing to see.  This essay was definitely an interesting perspective on racism, sexism, and how easy it is for most people to stereotype others. 

“Bizarre Accident”

List any evidence that you think is significant:

1. No skid marks on the pavement
2. The boat was in the harbor
3. There is another boat in front of it tied to the side of the dock in the same position.
4. The boat window is damaged and broken
5. There is a woman standing in front of the accident scene smiling
6. Boat is supporting the vehicle keeping it from falling in the water
7. Driver’s side door of the vehicle is open
8. Boat is not tied off on the dock-it’s laying in a coil
9. Passenger door of vehicle is open
10. Vehicle is not really damaged except for a raised, dented front bumper, and the rear perched on the dock ledge probably causing undercarriage damage.
11. There is no damage to the car’s bumper from the rear-only underneath
12. There are concrete “stops” behind the car in the parking lot
13. The parking lot is behind the car with a bunch of onlookers in it
14. It is a cloudy perhaps partially rainy day.
15. There appears to be little or no wind-the American flag on the boat is not moving. 

State any conclusions you feel you can draw

The car did not to stop quickly because there are no skid marks.  The accident happened in a harbor where the boat was probably docked.  The car damaged the side of the boat, and the undercarriage and fender of the car are damaged.  The boat and dock are supporting the weight of the car so that it doesn’t fall in the water.  There were two passengers in the vehicle because both the passenger and drivers’ side doors are open.  The boat was not adequately tied off at the dock, or the boat would not have moved, and the car would have “entered” the boat.  The car was not going at a high speed or it would have caused more damage to the boat and possibly the passengers of the car.  There is no wind, so wind did not play a part or (isn’t playing a part) in moving or rocking the boat or car.  The people were in the car when the accident happened, and the lady standing in front of the camera and the person behind the camera are probably somehow involved.  (Perhaps they were the passengers in the car). 

Follow with a paragraph explaining your ideas in further detail.

 The accident happened at a slow speed, which means they were either parking the car and accidentally went too far, or they went forward instead of in reverse.  They were stopped by the boat, which started moving away from the dock.  They probably jumped out and then pulled the boat in which caused the car to perch on the side of the boat.  There was probably no one hurt in this accident because there is very little damage to neither the boat nor the car.  There was no wind or storm occurring during the accident, so that did not play a part in moving either vehicle. 

“A Mother’s Wisdom”

I have chosen to interview my mother for this essay.  My mother is 69 years of age, and I consider her to be very wise. I discussed with her at length what she would like to impart to me in this project. After much brain storming over the subject she decided she would like to talk about the differences in the roles and responsibilities of women then and now. She would like to discuss the differences in marital responsibility, gender roles, relationships, and the “traditional” male view of the female. I really look forward to sharing my mother’s story, insight, and viewpoints with you. Here are several questions that I pose to her during the interview:      

How different were the roles of women in marriage between your time and now?

How have they evolved and changed?

What about a woman’s goals and dreams concerning her career and future?

What were her options for work?

What were her options as far as having and raising children?

Did she have any say in how many children she wanted to have or how they would be raised?

What if a woman got a divorce?

What if she had children from a previous marriage?

What if she were a single mother? 

How would society view her?

How have the priorities of couples changed?

How do you think women’s’ roles in a marriage have changed?

Was a woman’s place in the home taking care of children? 

Where there any employment opportunities available? 

Where women with children looked at differently than they were now?

Did society and families accept stepchildren and orphans?

What about the focus of the relationship concerning a husband’s career and responsibilities?

Where women encouraged to attend college as much as men were?

Would a man have put off his career goals and plans do let a woman accomplish hers?

Do you have any regrets when you made decisions regarding your future concerning college and a career? 

You were valedictorian of your high school class. 

What was your intended plan for the future?

How did that change when you met my father?

“Gold to Dust”

I gaze out my frosted window at the blood-veined Scarlet Maple majestically framed by a grey, shadowy sky murky with autumn’s freezing rain.

Who am I to say when it’s time to die?

The earth fades in the distance as the leaves turn from blood to gold-

Devolving then from gold to dust.

Before my eyes-

they fall cyclical in their flight.

Weaving through the diaphanous air like Luna moths

swirling heaven bound through misted clouds towards the beckoning moon.

“My Heritage”

I come from a nuclear family of 16 and I am the youngest.   My grandparents on my mother’s side passed away before I was born, and I only knew my father’s parents when they were nursing home bound. They both suffered from Alzheimer’s. I remember visiting them in Madison as a child, but the florescent lights gleaming on their haggard faces while my grandmother slipped in and out of an unconscious dazes aren’t my best memories.   I do have on positive memory of granpa Maier’s 100th birthday.  He sat in a chair smiling at his family while holding a great big stogie between his lips.  All I really have to go on other than that one positive memory are stories that I’ve been told by my siblings. I know that grandpa Maier (on my father’s side) used to hand out Juicy Fruit gum to my siblings and tell them colorful stories. Grandpa Heinlein (on my mother’s side) was a bit of a fast-talking, devilish looking philanderer (From what I understand), but he was a very good musician and teacher. My heritage is 75% German and 25% Finnish with a dash of Dutch for good measure.

My mother’s parent (the Heinleins) died when she was pregnant with me. Grandma Heinlein came over from Finland when she was three. Grandpa Heinlein’s father came over on a boat from Germany, and my grandpa was born in the United States. I am not exactly sure how my grandparents met, but soon after they were married they moved to Michigan where my grandpa worked in the iron ore mines. His father passed away in Finland soon after, and he and my grandmother returned for three years to settle his estate. They then moved to Gordon WI where he worked as a schoolteacher. My mother told me that he could play almost any instrument, and was especially proficient at playing the guitar and viola. He taught in an one-room schoolhouse there where he covered every from math to literature. As I said above my grandpa was quite a ladies man. My grandma actually divorced him for having an affair, and he moved to Louisiana. Grandpa Maier came over on a boat from Holland while grandpa Maier came over on a boat from Germany. My grandmother’s seemed to have a bit of a rough life. They tended to the household and took care of my grandpa’s. Grandpa Maier was strict and would only allow my father and his siblings to speak German in their household. My grandpa Heinlein as I said above probably caused my grandmother much heartache. I take my freedom for granted sometimes. I’ve been through my share of abusive relationships, but I have my freedom, strength, and independence now. Grandmothers’s did not have thee ability to forge their own futures. They got married, had children, and kept a house as they were instructed to do by their parents. I am happy and thankful to have my independence and freedom to choose my own path.