jbird

My life has been marked with little or no death around me. I don’t really know what its like to morn the loss of a grandma or grandpa, an aunt or uncle, a cousin, a sister or a brother, not even a close friend or someone I’ve known. My grandpa died when I just turned 5 years old. I really have no recollection of exactly what my emotions were that summer he passed. I do know that I cried, but I think it was because I saw my mom crying.

My younger sister, on the other hand, has had more experience with death than any one person should have to in a lifetime. In less than two years she had a close friend die suddenly from a serious heart problem, a neighborhood friend die from asphyxia due to asthma, a friends brother drown in a bath tub after a seizer, and a best friend die in a car accident. These events in our shared history have shed a new light on religion and my outlook on this place we call earth.

After every one of these deaths I could see her trying to carry the weight of everyone else’s sadness. She would try to be the person everyone could go talk to and share their problems with. In doing this she never had the chance to morn any of these deaths. It wasn’t until her closest friend died in a car accident that things changed.

My sister and I were driving home from a place I cannot remember anymore, but that’s unimportant. I received a phone call from our mom on my cell phone asking me where we were. I told her that we were on our way back home. It was then that she told me to listen carefully and not to react to what she was about to say. My first thoughts went out to my grandma who at the time was recovering from being ill for a time. But it wasn’t her, she was okay. Our mom told me that my sisters friend had died in a car accident that afternoon and to get her home as safely as possible.

I have never, and will probably never be able to accurately describe the sound that came out of my sister after she heard about her friends deadly accident. The awful primal scream that shook her vocal chords was heard outside where I was from downstairs where she was receiving the terrible news. It is something till this day I cannot shake from my memory. This was the final straw that broke the camels back. My sister went into full and complete morning the instant she heard that her friend was gone, and maybe not just for him who had just died, but maybe all of the deaths that had surrounded her life up until then.

This was the single and forever lasting event that changed my life’s perspective forever. Reflecting on what had happened led me to want to live a new style of life. One that lived in the moment, because life is too short. I decided not to worry over spilt milk anymore. I wanted to be around those that I loved and not concern myself with others who have little or no concern for me and my well being. I’ve since then lost any reasoning in the church, and for the most part organized Christianity. How is it that all of these deaths that caused so much pain and suffering for their families and friends had some “plan” for them? Or in that case a “plan” for my sister. I could not find any rational reason. Which has in turn has opened my eyes to being a spiritual person instead of a religious one. I don’t want to or feel the need to lean on the church for support. I have my family and friends for those times of need and compassion, but most importantly I have myself. I’ve come to realize that I have the power to control what or who will influence my world. I have the ability to shape my own reality.